3.12.10

In a Moment.



There is a little bit of Christmas sprinkled about our home and as I walked Ysa to sleep this morning I tried to breath it all in. Some decorations are old and loved and others are shiny and bright. A few minutes of humming and rocking and Ysa feels heavy in my arms. She must be asleep. On my way to her room I pass the kitchen window and feel a tug on my heart. The beautiful "Ysa" sticker is still on the window from Merin's baby shower. I haven't been able take it down yet. So I pause, and hold Ysa a little longer. A little closer to my heart. And I realize its possible to be happy and sad in the very some moment. My throat tightens as my heart swells. I remember the shower so clearly. The memory of the evening brings Merin close to me. As though I can hear her voice. I'm not sure if its just the memory of her or if she is close by, but I feel her support. still.

So happy to have my three lovely children as we celebrate Christmas this year. They all are excited in different ways. Ysa likes the glitter of the tree, Aubs loves the anticipation of Santa and gifts, and Deacon seems to be loving the spirit of Christmas. The cookies, and music, and of course the presents! This Christmas will have many happy and sad moments I'm sure, as its our first without Merin. BUT I am expecting more happiness than sad this season.

(For my own record I need to remember that the hard memories are starting to feel more distant less vivid in my mind. and the good/happy ones are growing stronger. Not always, but I don't want to dwell on the hard. I am learning to acknowledge those thoughts and feeling, to feel them and carry on. I still miss her terribly and I'm sure I always will, but knowing she is happy and watching over us brings me a lot of comfort.)

13 comments:

pieface said...

You amaze me. Being pulled in so many emotional directions at once must be freeing but heavy. And you still persevere and thrive. Loves to you friend! miss you.

ec said...

what a beautiful outlook. it will carry you through so much ...

ysa is such a lucky, lovely baby.

Spencer and Laura said...

You are such a strong and beautiful person. Sending you lots of love.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful poignant message. Rest assured Eden that Merin will always live in your heart and will always be with you. Many blessings to you and yours this Blessed season.

Thelma

Anonymous said...

Eden:

I really hope I am not being a pest. I would like to pass this on to you; it has comforted me. This is a quote from Christian Revival on Facebook: "So with you. Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no-one will take away your joy." John 16:22 Take care

Thelma

eden lang said...

oh thelma, not a pest at all. Thank you for your support and kind words.

H and E said...

Ooh I can't wait to see your house sprinkled with Christmas, I am sure it is alive with sparkle. I love the Ysa sticker on the window, it made me smile the other day!!!
Wishing you the best christmas season ever!

Cheri Litchfield said...

Very beautifully expressed. I am so proud of you and grateful for your wonderful presence in my life. My daughter, my friend. I love you.

Amy said...

Eden,
I understand how memories can be so cherished and loved yet heart-wrenching and difficult at the same time. You're an amazing person and a great example, lots of love your way.

PS It was so fun to get together last night!

Jill said...

Eden you are a rock. Really! Your kids and husband are SO LUCKY to have you! You have no idea how glad I am that I came to the beautiful shower you threw for Merin. Remember my kids were sick? Oh my gosh, it makes me nauseous to think I wouldn't have come. Merin was glowing, you were the hostess with the mostest, everything was perfect. I don't blame you a bit not taking the sign down. It was so fun to see you the other day. Ysa is so cute...and Aubs in her ballet get up...please!I too cannot wait to see Christmas sprinkled around your house. You have such great style!

sharpal said...

I wonder if the spirit is up early in the morning. For me that is the time that is most meaningful and clear. I know it is not the same when I sleep in.

I would sometimes take comfort that I was not the only one up and find solidarity that there were other women who were doing the same thing. This didn't happen every time, but it did help sometimes.

I love the sparkle of Christmas, it still manages to keep a little magic of the time around.

Emma at The Marion House Book said...

Hi Eden,
This is m first visit to your blog and I've been reading through all your old posts slowly piecing your story together. Your words and photos are so poignant they tug at my heart. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the good/happy moments continue to grow stronger for you throughout the Christmas season. It is a magical time.

Sharon said...

You are so amazing. You should be proud of yourself, as it sounds like everything your doing is right and you have a lovely souland so much Love. I hope you can find peace and my thoughts are with you. Rest in peace Merin and Mike.