In a Moment.
There is a little bit of Christmas sprinkled about our home and as I walked Ysa to sleep this morning I tried to breath it all in. Some decorations are old and loved and others are shiny and bright. A few minutes of humming and rocking and Ysa feels heavy in my arms. She must be asleep. On my way to her room I pass the kitchen window and feel a tug on my heart. The beautiful "Ysa" sticker is still on the window from Merin's baby shower. I haven't been able take it down yet. So I pause, and hold Ysa a little longer. A little closer to my heart. And I realize its possible to be happy and sad in the very some moment. My throat tightens as my heart swells. I remember the shower so clearly. The memory of the evening brings Merin close to me. As though I can hear her voice. I'm not sure if its just the memory of her or if she is close by, but I feel her support. still.
So happy to have my three lovely children as we celebrate Christmas this year. They all are excited in different ways. Ysa likes the glitter of the tree, Aubs loves the anticipation of Santa and gifts, and Deacon seems to be loving the spirit of Christmas. The cookies, and music, and of course the presents! This Christmas will have many happy and sad moments I'm sure, as its our first without Merin. BUT I am expecting more happiness than sad this season.
(For my own record I need to remember that the hard memories are starting to feel more distant less vivid in my mind. and the good/happy ones are growing stronger. Not always, but I don't want to dwell on the hard. I am learning to acknowledge those thoughts and feeling, to feel them and carry on. I still miss her terribly and I'm sure I always will, but knowing she is happy and watching over us brings me a lot of comfort.)