7:30am. Aubs is tucked under my arm, her sweet little rosy cheeks are smushed flat against the mattress. It's a warm moment. So quiet and still. Then reality comes flying through the room as Daylan reminds me of a dentist appointment for the kids in 40 minutes...clear across town! We all rush like mad and soon are out the door. The drive is long and slow. As we near the office there are several emergency vehicles addressing an accident. Everything inside of me goes cold. I feel for the family involved. I don't know the out come of the accident but then memories come flooding back. Every little detail of Merin and Mikes accident is immediately at the forefront of my mind. The looks on peoples faces as they drove past us. My husbands pale face as he deals with the aftermath of the accident before the ambulance crew is able to get there. Everything. Every little detail. And it all plays like a movie in my mind. A horrible scene. And it hurts to breath.
I don't know why it is so therapeutic for me to write this down. But I feel an urgency to get these feeling out of me. Almost as though writing it will take it away from me. That by putting it out there I won't be carrying to the weight of what I feel alone. I feel so sad. Sad for my parents. For my brothers. For Ysa. For me. For Mikes family. I don't know if its right to feel sorry for ourselves or for me to feel sorry for the lot of us. It's not brave. Not strong. But I don't feel those things right now. I miss my sister. I feel helpless.
As the day goes on the thought continues to come to me. "Everything is going to be alright." And I feel it. I know it. I know where Merin and Mike are now. They are together. They are happy. And we will see them again. Knowing these things doesn't take away the hurt. At least not yet. It is still sad. But I can breath again. And carry on. I will keep busy with my three beautiful children. I will hold every warm moment close to my heart. And lean on my family and friends. My testimony of the gospel.
Everything is going to be alright.
17 comments:
you are amazing eden! Believe that!
Eden:
You are brave and you are strong. Don't forget that. Keep sharing your thoughts and feelings about Merin; it is therapeutic to share because you are sharing with people who love and care for you and yours.
Thelma
Just hold on and don't let go. Expression is very therapeutic and you are loved from all sides!
I am sure there will be many more times where all those feelings and memories come flooding back, but its ok not to forget. What is so inspiring about you is your strength and courage to carry on, because everything will be alright!
Thank you for sharing...we are all here to listen and help you be Alright!
Eden, This is Nicole Cardon Carter's mom. I've been reading your blog and following the events that have challenged you recently. I see a beautiful woman doing what needs to be done and handling it so well. You express your feelings so eloquently and I see your strength and growth. I'm so very impressed! You help me remember what really matters in life. Thank you for sharing your growth and your pain. I am a better person because of you and your great example.
Love, Tammy
There is a quote by Washington Irving that I love. He said, "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
It really will be alright. Every day counts. Every day you are moving in the right direction. Every day you love your family. Every day a little bit more healing happens. It's really okay to feel sorry and to feel weak. It is a very real and necessary part of mortality. Remember that every day things get a little better.
We all really do love you and support you...even from afar.
Laura, thank you for that quote. It is perfect and beautiful. It will be one of my very favorite quotes from now on.
Eden, your feeling is right - it will be alright. Things will never be just the same as they were but we can be happy and life is good. It does still hurt and tears still come, sirens and ems teams will maybe always stir memories we wish we didn't have. We don't forget but we go on with faith, hope and love.
I love the picture of Merin - her smile. So much the way she was. Thanks.
Love....Mom
you're absolutely right. you are not alone.
love & prayers & thoughts for you ...
You are amazing handling all that has been handed to you. Merin is looking over your shoulder..so proceed as you are...she knows that you are doing your very best and loving you all the way through it...Mike is forever watching his daughter and protecting her..she is in the right place...he is happy..enjoy her grace and energy.
You are beautiful. <3
It's okay to be sad. I am sad for you all. As u=you know I will continue to pray for you all. I did not realize you all were first to be there.
I hopped over from Maria's blog. I poured over your story. Your family is beautiful. I think your sister is pulling for you and would find peace with what you're doing :)
Eden, I love to read your blog and feel of your wonderful spirit of the way that you see, feel and deal with the emotions that come with living and loving.
You are such a loving kind person.
love you lots, grandma Jan
Hi Eden
I only know you as a memory from brief time in our childhood but have lovely memories of you. I just read this article: http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/01/15/feminist_obsessed_with_mormon_blogs/index.html
...and could not help but think of your blog and your Mom's blog. You, like the women they speak of, carry such a beautiful presence in your words and journaling. It is something to be in awe of. I am SO glad you choose to share the personal parts of your heart for it is stirring good all around you and in me. My heart is full every single time I visit. I find you truly uplifting and inspiring. I am Happy for you. And grateful too! I hope you enjoy the article as much as i did. You are Great.
love Catherine-nicole
I just read through many of your posts and can honestly I am so moved by your family, your story, your photos. Your sister and her husband sounded like amazing people, i'm very sorry for your loss. Ysa is adorable and she's obviously going to be brought up in a home filled with much love. I feel very inspired by your strength and positivity. Thank you xo
I just happened across your blog through my sister's facebook somehow. As I deal with serious loss of my own, I read your words and understand the urgency to write things down. It promotes healing for me. I will tell you now, you are strong, you are brave, even when you are feeling sorry for yourself and for your family. It takes a lot more strength to be emotional, vulnerable, and patient in the path your healing must take, then to shut your feelings out. Not feeling is weak. The ability to feel emotion is God's way of reminding you love never dies. You are strong... your words have given hope to a complete stranger dealing with loss of a completely different nature. Thank you, ironically maybe you won't even read this response, but your words have helped me regardless :)
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