I've just finished making a book of Merin for my Mom. I feel so heavy right now. As though everything inside of me is falling to my feet. Looking at all those pictures...I miss my sister. My beautiful little sister. I miss her literally dancing around me. I miss her laugh. Her touch. But I love that I have these pictures. I love that I loved taking her picture. I can't help but warm as I think of how we played as we shot. There would be music on...Merins music. I usually had Aubs or Deacon with me. She'd pose and I would ask her to smile just so, then she would totally NOT get what I was after and we would crack up. Laugh till there was tears! It was always so fun. Thinking back, I don't understand why she looked up to me the way she did. In a way that I don't feel deserving. She always loved me. And she told me this often. How am I so blessed? How it hurts to have been so loved. I remember the first time I saw Merin dance a major roll at the Ballet and I was surprised at the tears that came as I watched her perform. I was so proud of my little sister. SO PROUD. She truly was amazing with everything she did. I hope she knew how much I admired her.
These words are for me. They are comforting to say. To say to no one really. Just to say. To say that I miss my sister. That it hurts. That life really doesn't go on in the same way. But I still love. I still laugh and I am still loved. I know I am blessed.