4.11.10

I've just finished making a book of Merin for my Mom. I feel so heavy right now. As though everything inside of me is falling to my feet. Looking at all those pictures...I miss my sister. My beautiful little sister. I miss her literally dancing around me. I miss her laugh. Her touch. But I love that I have these pictures. I love that I loved taking her picture. I can't help but warm as I think of how we played as we shot. There would be music on...Merins music. I usually had Aubs or Deacon with me. She'd pose and I would ask her to smile just so, then she would totally NOT get what I was after and we would crack up. Laugh till there was tears! It was always so fun. Thinking back, I don't understand why she looked up to me the way she did. In a way that I don't feel deserving. She always loved me. And she told me this often. How am I so blessed? How it hurts to have been so loved. I remember the first time I saw Merin dance a major roll at the Ballet and I was surprised at the tears that came as I watched her perform. I was so proud of my little sister. SO PROUD. She truly was amazing with everything she did. I hope she knew how much I admired her.
These words are for me. They are comforting to say. To say to no one really. Just to say. To say that I miss my sister. That it hurts. That life really doesn't go on in the same way. But I still love. I still laugh and I am still loved. I know I am blessed.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my dear Eden. Thank you so much for putting into words the feelings I have kept inside over the loss of my own sister this past January.

I know why Merin looked up to you. Because you are you. So loving, giving, spiritual and so cherished by your family. Merin couldn't help but feel this too, especially coming from her beloved older sister. You have a connection with her that can't ever be broken. I'm glad you hold it close.

Thelma

Martha anne said...

Eden - That was beautiful. Brought me to tears, I really am so sorry for your loss.

Carissa said...

that is so lovely. you always express yourself so well Eden.

I always longed to have a big sister... Merin was lucky to have you. you are amazing.

Cheri Litchfield said...

I am so excited about the book. Thank you for doing it. Can't wait for it to arrive! It will be a treasure. And so are you. Love you.

ec said...

beautiful words.

thank goodness we know what we know. God is good.

Ashley Sullenger said...

What a cute picture! Isn't it crazy how much a picture now means? I know the feelings you described. I'm sorry. Everyone tells me that one day the pain and sorrow will be replaced with a sweet memory. That seems so far away. Still praying for your family.

ash

Suzy Hicks said...

Eden, Merin had so much to look up to with you as a big sis. This was a really sweet post. I love that you took as many pictures of her as you did. What a blessing that you are a gifted photographer and Merin was your subject so many times. I often think of what a miracle that is, really. I'm glad you have incredible pictures of her to cherish forever.

Kendra A said...

I’ve never met you or your family but I stumbled across your blog one day. I find myself brought to tears every time I read your posts. It is evident what an amazing person you are and how much love you have for your sister. I am an older sister and I know the dynamics of a sister bond – it is something that no one will ever understand.

Thank you so much for sharing you with us. You are such an elegant writer and truly inspirational. My heart truly goes out to you and your family.