4.9.15

Vancouver BC

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 I'm trying to figure a lot of things out. I've been trying for a while now. And for a bit I think I have it. Then I look a little deeper into my heart and wonder, have I just brushed what I don't want to face into a corner? Into a part of my heart that is just harder to get to? This summer I wanted to keep busy. the kind of busy that doesn't even really let you catch your breath. The summer is behind us now and it was fun, and I have 3 happy summered kids. But now I can breath. I can think. And it lets my heart starts to hurt where I've crambed the hurt into. It's hard to explain, and I'm not really sure I could no matter how long I pushed and pulled through my thoughts. Sometimes there just aren't the right words. But one thing I'm sure of is everyone wants to feel secure. Somehow I have it in my heart that when I lost my sister I lost that sence of security as well. And of all the things I want, I want to talk to my sister again. To feel that love. The feelings that come with a close friendship. I can't seem to filter through the loss, and because of that I have turned it off. Its a weak move. I'm fully aware of it. Not only is it weak its not working, but I'm working on it. I want to open my heart and thoughts again. Please don't judge me in this. I am simply trying to do my best. To be the best mother to my children that I can. To love them all equally. To give each of them that feeling of security and love. If my thoughts upset you I would only ask that you try to be patient with me. Sometimes I may need to talk about Merin, and other times it will simply be about my little family that I focus on. As this is how my life flows now. Somedays I can feel whole and happy, then something like the first day of Ysa's school comes and my heart breaks for my sister and Mike. That they miss it. That I don't. They miss their first baby going to school as I watch that same baby, my baby go into school. Everything in me wishes my sister was here. And these are the moments I feel weak, or broken, or something isn't healing like it should... So I breath in and turn it off. I turn away from the memories of Merin and onto the present. I guess because its been five years since the accident and I want to be past this point. I want to be whole again. I'm working it.

Contax 645
Fuji film

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Eden:
My sister was called Home in January of the same year. It's hard. It's a long road to travel. You can make it back....I haven't yet. I still miss her....I don't know that I will ever stop missing her; I don't know that I want to. Don't allow people to judge you....this is your journey and only you can travel it in your way. Enjoy your family, your memories, and the love that is shown you. It does help.
Thelma

Cheri said...

Beautiful. Always. You, your art, your eye, your heart. Much love. xo

Amber Joy said...

This is your loss and your heart, so no one can understand or judge how you move through it. I think as long as you are aware that you are grieving and that some times you can't bear to allow yourself to grieve, you will make the decisions for your life and family that are best. We don't always have the luxury of giving the loss and the pain all of our time and energy. There are times it has to be pushed into a corner. Just allow yourself the time and space to let it out when you can and truly experience it then. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty or disappointed in yourself for how you are handling the loss of Merin. Honor her in the life you live and be honest with yourself in your heart. That is the best you can do. Thank you for your honesty in this post. I have missed reading your posts. Love to you and your family.

Cheri said...

I keep coming back to look at these. I want to live in all of them, each wonderful in its own way. The first one of Kayden and Isaac is truly classic.

Holly said...

I don't believe Merin and Mike have missed a single moment. These pictures and your words are beautiful.

shelly said...

In a lot of different ways, I feel the same way about my mama.

Hannah Buckingham-Jones said...

I agree with Holly up there! They haven't missed a moment. Your thoughts and heart are raw and beautiful. I pray God will give you the help and grace you need each and every day.

Jill said...

As I don't know you personally, yet I have been so drawn to your story and your beautiful heart. There is a profound impact of loss on our lives, and you are no stranger to that impact. You are developing your "coping muscles". I have wondered if we are powerless in the face of loss, I think we are not. We try to navigate life along with loss, and it's companion, hope. Both become part of us. I sincerely pray for you to have the strength you need through loss, and you can rely on the strength and hope from heaven. Over a year ago I read a poem from Ted Berrigan describing loss and one phrase describes it so well:

Someone passes
From your outside life to inside.
Slowly the heart adjusts...
To its new weight.

I love that. You carry your sister with you now. I am inspired by you and how you are open and vulnerable with what you share. Thank you & I wish the best for you and your beautiful family.

PamH said...

You do whatever you need to to get through each day, and be proud of it, because only you know what you need.You have everyone's support and admiration! You can do it! One happy day everything will finally seem right.

Cassandra Vance DeSanti said...

The pictures are as stunning as always, I love them and I love you!
You are living in such a beautiful way, I am glad to read your words again.
xo

Reed Merrill said...

Hey Eden, I just decided you're my favourite photographer ;)

Anonymous said...

I grieved deeply for five years. Something inside of me knew, like you, that a threshold was approaching, that the way I grieved would change. It has. At times, I miss the solitude, the space between myself and others, but I also enjoy the freedom of being present in the life I have. I wish you well and send you love as you continue moving forward. Thank you for sharing yourself and your family with me. You have a beautiful gift to share.

Spencer and Laura said...

I remember reading once that "grief is the price we pay for love." You handle your grief with incredible grace and beauty, and your feelings are a tribute to the love you feel for Merin. You are amazing, my dear friend, and are doing the most incredible job of mothering your sweet children. Please know that I am here, no matter what you need.

Spencer and Laura said...

Oh, and I am so happy that you are blogging again, and are on IG. I've missed you! xx

Jennifer McCue said...

Eden,
I think of you and your sweet family often. Don't be hard on yourself. You are amazing! xo

Anonymous said...

I was so glad to see you in the theatre this past weekend. Like others posted, I too have missed your blog, your images and your insight. I understand the challenges of overcoming a horrific loss and the impact it takes on us physically and emotionally. It's scars change some aspects of us, but we can find faith, hope and inspiration from them, too. We never forget those we love. We never stop thinking of the I wish they could see or be here moments. Please keep sharing your memories and wishes and keep posting the images of the new memories you are creating for your family to treasure.