I'm trying to figure a lot of things out. I've been trying for a while now. And for a bit I think I have it. Then I look a little deeper into my heart and wonder, have I just brushed what I don't want to face into a corner? Into a part of my heart that is just harder to get to? This summer I wanted to keep busy. the kind of busy that doesn't even really let you catch your breath. The summer is behind us now and it was fun, and I have 3 happy summered kids. But now I can breath. I can think. And it lets my heart starts to hurt where I've crambed the hurt into. It's hard to explain, and I'm not really sure I could no matter how long I pushed and pulled through my thoughts. Sometimes there just aren't the right words. But one thing I'm sure of is everyone wants to feel secure. Somehow I have it in my heart that when I lost my sister I lost that sence of security as well. And of all the things I want, I want to talk to my sister again. To feel that love. The feelings that come with a close friendship. I can't seem to filter through the loss, and because of that I have turned it off. Its a weak move. I'm fully aware of it. Not only is it weak its not working, but I'm working on it. I want to open my heart and thoughts again. Please don't judge me in this. I am simply trying to do my best. To be the best mother to my children that I can. To love them all equally. To give each of them that feeling of security and love. If my thoughts upset you I would only ask that you try to be patient with me. Sometimes I may need to talk about Merin, and other times it will simply be about my little family that I focus on. As this is how my life flows now. Somedays I can feel whole and happy, then something like the first day of Ysa's school comes and my heart breaks for my sister and Mike. That they miss it. That I don't. They miss their first baby going to school as I watch that same baby, my baby go into school. Everything in me wishes my sister was here. And these are the moments I feel weak, or broken, or something isn't healing like it should... So I breath in and turn it off. I turn away from the memories of Merin and onto the present. I guess because its been five years since the accident and I want to be past this point. I want to be whole again. I'm working it.